This is the tale of how Craigslist unearthed my bottled up emotions.
We sold N's dresser and changing table last Friday to an adorable couple who are expecting their own little girl soon. My heart was so full that another little family would be able to use the pieces of furniture that held our little one and her tiny clothes when she was a baby. I felt that lump in my throat as the hubs helped carry the furniture out to their car but I swallowed hard, put a smile on my face and asked N if she wanted to go play.
I just couldn't deal with the feelings that were stirring in my heart and settling in the pit of my stomach.
In my sudden new obsession to downsize our stuff and stay busy, I'm afraid I've let my own raw emotions be stuffed down. Way down. Too far down and now I'm dealing with this horribly painful process of letting them rise up to the surface.
But it's not about the stuff.
I guess what's really bothering me is the painful realization that a lot of things in my life are changing. I'm in a brand new role as a stay at home mama. We've moved N into her big girl room and bed. We're prepping for a huge yard sale next month and I'll be going through her itty bitty baby clothes and toys. I'll also be going through my clothes that are stored in the basement, a lot of which I love but are nowhere near fitting me yet. *sigh*
I've stepped up to the domestic plate, so to speak, and the feelings of inadequacy have rushed in. Is my house clean enough? Why can't I finish all of the laundry in one day? I miss daily adult interaction. Why can't I just pee in peace? There's also a lot going on behind the scenes in our little family, some of which I hope to blog about soon.
Over the weekend, I had a major tear fest. Like the kind where the hot tears just keep coming and there seems to be no end. Trying to put into words what was bothering me when the hubs asked, with concern in his voice, was difficult.
Life is just happening much faster than I anticipated.
That's all I've got today, folks.
22 comments:
Don't be too hard on yourself, girl. A tear fest can be a wonderful release, so let yourself have them when you need to. And the rest of the time, just know that you ARE enough and you DO enough. :)
Aww, I'm so glad you shared this! It can be so rough sometimes, I understand where you are coming from. Big virtual hugs for you, and know that I am always here if you want to shed some of those tears to someone other than family (because I definitely know the guilt that comes from thinking you're crying too much in front of the fam!). =) You are a strong woman and a wonderful mother. I think you are pretty darn awesome!
Aww this makes my heart hurt for you, friend!!
I have been coming to the same realization that time is going by so quickly. Much quicker than when I was younger! It's a hard pill to swallow, especially with a little one! I'm still not sure that I've excepted that Lydia won't be little like this for long!!
My prayers and thoughts are with you as you transition into this new stage in life, whatever it may hold!! And just know you're not alone in the way you feel, hot tears & all!
xxo-lianne
I feel you on the going through clothes...both littler girl clothes and my clothes that no longer fit. I went through A's closet the day before I found out baby#2s gender. The day after finding out that I am having a boy was pretty hard since I have to say goodbye to all the cute girlie outfits and finally let go. It also brought some other issues up like after baby#2 is born...that is it, no more kids (for a variety of reasons). Hang in there my friend. My friend's wife is a SAHM that don't do jack other than craft and play with her kid. She doesn't even cook (or eat anything other than a handful of things like cereal and plain pasta) or clean. You already have her beat. It is hard...but don't compare yourself to other people.
So is the life of the stay at home mother. Our houses will never be clean enough, the laundry will always need washing, meals will need cooking, and there will be crumbs or slime on the back of your pants. Always. You my friend have to find your new normal. Your new, more realistic expectation. I had to. The definition of stay at home mother is not perfection. The definition of stay at home mother is just that, a mother who stays at home, on call 24/7, who does what she can with the hours allotted, and if it's not done, there is always tomorrow.
Xoxo
Megan
SAHM since 2007
I get the same feelings sometimes, and I have been at the SAHM thing now for over 6 months!
I get very frustrated sometimes (i.e., I would like some ME time just sometimes. You're always "at work" when you are a SAHM.), but all I have to do is remember how much I am a gaining by being at home with my baby girl. I am not missing a thing, and I LOVE that. But we are allowed to feel frustrated, underappreciated, etc sometimes. We are human after all. And I get a lump in my throat even thinking about giving up baby girl's things yet. ;) She has a bassinet that she never even slept in (we decided to co-sleep even though that wasn't in our original plan), and I can't even part with that yet. Seems silly, I know... Hang in there! There are many rewards and awesomeness that comes with being a SAHM! It makes it all worth it. ;)
Praying for ya, friend! *hugs*
Praying for ya, friend! *hugs*
I'm so sorry you feel this way. I think a lot of SAHM's share your same feelings of inadequacy and the desire for more... and the guilt for that desire. I know I do. I hope you know that you are enough just the way you are. *hugs*
Tear fests can be the greatest healers ever! I had massive tears last week waiting to hear about biopsy results, and even though I knew they wouldn't help the outcome, I felt better afterwards! And then had tears of joy yesterday when I got the all clear:)
Keep strong and smiling, and cry sometimes. Even if its just quickly, while you pee...
Lulu x
I usually feel MUCH better after a good cry, so don't be afraid to let it out. When I packed up Kenley's clothes, I cried. When I think about her birthday party, I cry. It's HARD being a SAHM when everything is about everyone else and you just want to be seen and heard, but not necessarily while you are peeing. :)
You are so raw and honest. I love that about you! While being able to stay-at-home is an awesome thing, I have a million complaints about doing so. You wonder how you were able to get it all done before with a job, yet you feel you're falling behind on these same things, yet you don't have the time constraint of an outside job anymore. How in the world does that even make sense (I ask myself this a lot)? :) Know you're not alone. Life is spinning out of control here too and I feel often that I'm treading water just to keep up. There's so much to do and so little time. You're not alone. Praying for you my friend.
I love this post. It's real and raw. I'm sorry you're going through a lot of change. I've never been good with change and I too am facing a lot right now. You're in my thoughts and prayers!!
Thank you.
Thank you for being honest and vulnerable. I connected with practically every word you wrote. And while I wish and pray peace for your heart and life, there is some comfort in knowing that you're not alone.
I was just telling my husband last night that I feel like I'm about to have one of those get-it-all-out-girl-can't-breathe-snotty-nose-ugly cries. I'm in the last few weeks of a very up-and-down pregnancy, we're moving our first little guy into his big bed this weekend, finances are ridiculously tight, and I'm adjusting to my recently acquired "SAHM" status. It's a lot of changes and pieces on a to-do list - I'm just trying to focus on Jesus and the fact that He promises that the future He has for me is GOOD and full of HOPE!
I will commit to praying for you, sister as God brings you to mind!
Thank you, again.
A stay at home mom has good days. and bad days. really really bad days BECAUSE, you feel like you are the one who is in control of everyone's happiness. Everyone's fate sort of.
But you don't. Some days just doing that puzzle and showing N that cool grasshopper on the side walk is enough. AND some days you won't believe what a martha stewart betty crocker rock star you are. You better believe it.
chin up mama. life is a beautiful ride....even if you go down a path you weren't planning on. Sometimes they have the best "views"
Sorry you're having a hard time. I am feeling similar transitioning into being a college grad--sort of--I'm starting grad school which for the beginning of this semester means I student teach two days a week and spend the rest of the time taking online classes in complete solitude. May Jesus fill both our days with hope and purpose, because in life with him nothing is wasted--not even pain.
I had a tear fest yesterday and it's not all it's cracked up to be. But I did feel better afterwards....
Love you.
Moving onto another stage of life always makes me a little teary.
Sending you happy thoughts! All will work out the way it should... some things just take some adjustment before hand.
I know exactly what you mean, through and through. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom so much, and now that I am? I constantly fear I'm flunking at my dream job. It's hard to explain it to a bystander: women are often far more critical of themselves than the people around them. I love you so much for your honesty.
Love this and love your honesty. I'm not a parent so I can't relate, but I imagine what you're going through is really common among women in your situation. Sending you lots of good vibes and love as always :)
My "babies" are 20, 17 and 12. Every now and then I have these crying spells. It may sound mean but I am glad to read that some Mom also has these spells. My younger and wiser sister told me that sometimes we just have to cry. ((hugs))
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